Your Marriage Is Worth Being Strengths-based--Don't Settle For Less

I was finishing a coaching session with a couple and decided to ask the question, "So which of your strengths would you like your partner to ask you to contribute to your marriage more often?" What followed was 45 minutes of profound, deep, honest, heartfelt sharing between both of them.

She stated that from the beginning of their marriage, when she had tried to organize and activate him around one of their tasks, he had told her not to nag him.

"I realized at that moment that because I never wanted to be a nag in our relationship, I simply stopped contributing my strong achiever strengths.  But I realize right now that I am extremely strong in being able to activate things, get things done and organized.  I really want you to ask me to use those strengths on our behalf as a couple, for our sake together."

He looked at her, some tears in his eyes, and said, "I can see that now - this is your area of powerful strength.  You were being sensitive to my feelings.  But now I want you to know that I deeply honor your strengths and I want to ask you to use them freely on our behalf, to make us even stronger than we are."

In turn, he said to her, "I want you to ask me - to trust my deeply relational strengths - to use my abilities to pull people in, to go deeper with people, to include and help build deeper relationships, even in our relationship with each other.  I want to know that you truly honor and respect these strengths and their wisdom in me.  I want you to ask me to use them even more."

I sat there, realizing that I was witnessing a powerful sacred moment - two people truly "seeing" each other, truly being seen by each other - two people honoring and respecting the pure goodness and strength in each other.

I've seen again and again that this is what happens when couples take the time to

• identify their top strengths,
• to share with each other what those strengths are,
• to affirm and validate each other's strengths and how each person is using them,
• to engage in dialogue and discovery about how their individual strengths can work together in creating the strongest, most authentic, and effective relationship,
• to apply this discovery to developing a relationship mission statement, along with specific ways (goals) to moving forward as a couple in building on that mission,
• and to truly honor who they are as a couple and the unique, relational presence they can have in the world around them.

It's a powerful things to observe!

That's why I'm offering a four hour workshop to help lead couples through this kind of experience and process together (and it also includes a personalized 90 minute skype session with me after the workshop).  The potential of building an even stronger relationship is powerful, especially when you focus on your strengths.  It's about learning how to leverage your strengths in a way that transforms your relationship from mere survival to thriving.  Who among us wouldn't want that for the most important relationship in our lives?

Go to the Events page on my site for more information.

No matter how long you've been in your committed relationship, no matter your age, no matter your hang ups, healthy and strong relationships take intentionality, focus, honesty, and energy.  This workshop will offer you that space and some important tools to engage with each other.  And it will be fun, informative, and possibly even transformational.

Both of you are worth it!  And so is your relationship!  Feel free to share this opportunity with others you know.

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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.

Three Truths That Will Leverage Your Genius This Year

Albert Einstein once made the astute observation:

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

There are three points from Einstein's statement I want to unpack relating to what it means to living your strongest, most authentic life this new year.

First, everybody is a genius.  That means you.  That means me. That means the person next to you, too.

Does it feel that way to you?  Does this statement resonate as truth to you?

Perhaps we have difficulty believing this truth about ourselves and others because we live in a culture that equates genius narrowly with IQ.  Or we equate genius with a certain kind of thinking style (e.g. those who know how to work through complex mathematical equations or quick and astute problem solving).  Or we were raised in a family that emphasized a certain style or kind of learning and since we didn't match that, we felt stupid.  Or we were raised by emotionally stunted parents who were inherently insecure and took it out on us by putting us down and telling us we weren't worth much and wouldn't amount to much.

But I think Einstein is absolutely correct about people.  Everybody is a genius in some area, especially in the arena of their own strengths.

Second, we must start measuring the right things to ascertain genius.

Truth is, fish simply can't climb trees.  They're not designed for that (except for the Mangrove Killifish and several other types which wait out the dry season for several months on a low lying branch until the rainy season brings more water).

When is the last time you went to an aquarium, looked at the fish, and remarked disgustingly, "Stupid fish.  Why aren't they up climbing trees!  Instead, they're just content to swim around here under the water.  Idiots!"

No, you and I don't judge fish for not climbing trees.  We don't measure the genius of fish by whether they are climbing trees or not.

But think about how our culture is fixated on weakness--parents spend more time focusing on where their kids are failing or what the kids aren't doing enough of, managers spend more time trying to fix employees' weaknesses, politics obsesses on leaders' inabilities and mistakes, media fixates on what's wrong.  Everybody gets judged for "not climbing trees."

When people are measured by the wrong standards, and they get judged by how far they are from that standard, what ultimately happens is people internalize this message "I'm stupid!"  I've coached people who have that mental tape that plays every time they do something and can't do it well.  "I'm stupid."

And they often never get to the possibility of realizing that in fact they're not stupid at all, they're simply being measured by the wrong standard.

We all have to do things we're not really good at.  We have to manage around our weaknesses in order to fulfill our obligations and responsibilities.

But if we focus more time and energy on trying to improve our weaknesses to the exclusion of operating within and leveraging our strengths, we are draining unnecessary energy from our brains.  And our emotional mood plummets.  Our self esteem ultimately hits rock bottom.  And the painful and vicious cycle spirals on.

And today, self esteem is at an all time low in individuals, organizations, and even regions.  We don't feel good enough.  We don't feel like we're ever measuring up.

Third, everybody is a genius in the arena of their strengths.

Coaching hundreds of people through the years, I've seen time and again that everyone is an expert in the area they're suppose to be an expert in, their strengths and how to use them.

One of the reasons why I love doing strengths coaching is because of the question we focus on:  instead of asking, what's wrong with people and how do we fix it, the question is, what's right with people and how can they leverage it?

Those of us who work with the StrengthsFinder assessment (developed by the Gallup organization) which identifies a person's top five signature strengths know that there's a 1:34 million chance that someone else has the same top five strengths in the same order as you.  This makes our individual genius amazingly unique and special.

Fish instinctively know how to swim and do underwater acrobats because they're designed and wired for underwater swimming.  Some fish are wired to even fly out of the water, but they always go back under.  They're water creatures and that's what we measure them by.

Once strengths are identified (and people do have to engage in the identification as they answer questions related to what behaviors they do that bring them energy and feelings of strength), everybody can increase their instinctive ability to know how to use them.  And with coaching, they are able to establish new ways to both notice and leverage their strengths---conscious competence.

Latest Research Confirming the Significance of Strengths Living

The point of strengths work centers on the well-researched fact that when we focus on our strengths, we are 8 times more likely to be more engaged and more productive in what we're trying to do.  We believe in ourselves more and live with more confidence which in turn increases effectiveness.

Here's some science to confirm this reality.

A recent blog post I read referred to some fascinating new studies using fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) to track neural activity showing how  focusing on your strengths

"arouses the parasympathetic nervous system, invoking cognitive, emotional, perceptual and behavioral openness and improving performance.  It also creates the conditions for neurogenesis, allowing people to learn and develop new healthy habits and competencies."

By contrast, focusing on weaknesses arouses the sympathetic nervous system which increases your heart rate, raises your respiration, moves blood from one place (e.g., your digestive system) to another (your muscles), etc. These responses are all "arousal" responses which get you ready to fight or flee in times of danger---good for short term survival; terribly damaging for long term health.

Ways to Be Strengths-focused This Year

I'm challenging you to make 2014 the year of living your strengths in unprecedented ways.  * Identify your strengths - take the test.  * Notice how you're using them - make a list.  * Establish how you can be even more intentional about using them in new ways (try planning goals this year around each of your strengths and keep track of how you're doing).  * Learn about the strengths of the people in your life (at home, at work - I do a lot of strengths coaching with couples as well as work teams - very profound).  * Affirm their use of their strengths every time you notice it.  * Hire a coach to guide you and support this revolutionary journey of growth and effectiveness.

I guarantee that if you take these steps, you'll notice radical improvement in your attitude, your self esteem, your energy, your focus, and even your whole body.

Einstein is right.  Everybody is a genius!  So go out and live your genius this year!  I'm cheering you on.

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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.

Why Paying Attention to Your Strengths is a Profoundly Spiritual Process

I do a lot of coaching with individuals, groups, businesses, teams, churches around the issue of strengths (utilizing the results they get from taking the online StrengthsFinder).  What are your top strengths?  How are you using them?  What are the shadow sides of each of your strengths and how can you manage those shadow sides?  How can you use your strengths more intentionally, consciously, and competently? How Strengths Work Increases Well-being

I love doing this strengths work with people because I've seen that when people tap into their strengths more deeply and consciously, their ability to live a more productive and fulfilling life at work, in relationships, and even in spirituality radically increases.  In fact, research shows that people who more often than not lead with their strengths are six times more meaningfully engaged in their life circumstances and they experience a three times higher sense of overall well being in life.

Who wouldn't want those kind of odds?

I'm noticing more and more that when people begin this exploration, increasing their understanding of how they're wired and what their innate talents are, they are in fact coming face to face with who they really are and who they are truly designed to be.  And that is a profoundly spiritual experience.

Why Strengths Work Is Spiritual

One of the descriptions of spirituality I appreciate is this:  "The intentional journey of becoming more whole, more fully alive, and more deeply human which results in authentic and meaningful connections with self, others, and the transcendent.”

The more in-tune we are with who we are, the more in alignment we are with how we are each designed and wired, the deeper and more authentic and meaningful our connections are to others and even to God.

One of the early Church fathers, Irenaeus, wrote,

"The glory of God is man fully alive."

Think about that for a minute.  God's glory is heightened and made more evident when people are living fully alive.  God's glory is shown, not when we constrict our lives or other people's live, not when we narrow our lives down, but rather when we expand our lives, when we increase our aliveness, when we alignment our lives to who we were made to be and to learn to live that way with more abandon and confidence and courage.

And that's exactly what happens when people tap into their strengths more consciously and competently.  They become more uniquely fully alive---they become more of their true selves, as God designed them.  Living out our strengths is one of the most significant ways we uniquely manifest the image of God in each one of us.

God is definitely not into the "cookie-cutter" approach to life.  All you have to do to see that is to open your eyes and behold---to pay attention and to notice---the profound and immense and rich diversity that exists in this world.

Some Strategic Strengths Questions I Use With Clients

I have the sacred privilege as a strengths coach to be a front-row witness to this wonderful diversity with every person and group I do this work with.  I always am in awe of how beautiful and unique every person is.  And that individual beauty I see only grows and deepens as people come to embrace their unique strengths profile and learn to live it more consciously and effectively day after day.

So here are some of the questions I assist people in exploring and processing about their strengths:

• How have you seen yourself using each of your top strengths?  Give specific examples.  Describe how you felt when you were engaged in that activity/behavior.
• What have you noticed is the shadow side of each strength?  What is your specific negative tendency with each strength at times?  For example, if your strength is Empathy, do you ever find yourself getting too emotionally involved in people?  Do you take on their feelings so deeply that you can't seem to let them go, to separate yourself from their feelings, so you can begin to feel exhausted, burned out.  Their negative or painful feelings you start to take on yourself?  Give specific examples of how you have manifested the shadow side of your strengths.
• How have you noticed your strengths playing out in your relationships?  Give some specific examples.  For instance, if you have Adaptability, do you tend to wait until the last minute to plan an activity with your significant other?  Do you prefer not to structure or plan something but to let it come to you or simply go with the flow?  How does your strength(s) impact your significant relationship?
• What is the strengths profile of your significant relationship?  How do your top five individual strengths react together as a couple?  Where are you both strong?  How does that reveal itself in how your relationship shows up in the world?  What do people experience in the presence of your relational strengths profile?
• Develop some specific, tangible goals for how you can increase the use of each one of your top strengths in the major life areas:  work, relationships, spirituality.
• What are deficiencies in your strengths profile that you need to consider bringing other people with complementary strengths into your life?  How can you partner or collaborate with people who bring strengths you don't have so you can be more productive and effective?

I typically go on a 12 session, 3 month journey with the people who want to really dig deep into putting their strengths to work in their lives.  And I can tell you, it's a hugely rewarding, satisfying, transforming experience.  They all tell me how life changing it is.  And the more I do it, the more life changing it is for me, as well.

How Strengths Work Impacts Organizations and Congregations

I also do strengths work with congregations and other organizations.  Once people begin to understand the role their strengths can play in their personal lives, this new awareness carries over into their actions within the organizational mission.  When we take a look at which of everyone's top strengths are most represented---based upon everyone's test results---that corporate strengths profile delivers some astounding and powerful implications for how the whole group is designed to be at their strongest in the way they serve their constituents and communities.  Effective mission and productive service grow exponentially.  And people who serve in those groups experience a much higher level of engagement and fulfillment than ever before.

The Final Question is About Sacred Stewardship

So in the end of life---whatever your view about how that happens in terms of divine accountability for your life---what's true is this:

God will not ask you why you weren't more like someone else.  God's only question to you will be, What did you do with what you were given?  Did you steward your Self as deeply, passionately, and faithfully as you could?  Were you your own true Self?

This is one of the reasons I think strengths work is so spiritually significant---and why I believe in knowing my strengths and using them as courageously and actively as I can.  It's about being the only Me that really counts in the end; and the only Me that truly brings me fulfillment, purpose, and joy.

Want to Know More?

Would you like to know more about this process?   Feel free to email me:  greg@flyagaincoaching.com.  I'd be happy to give you more perspective.  Would you like to engage in strengths coaching with me?  Feel free to contact me:  greg@flyagaincoaching.com.